#i'm so broken actually
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it's the fact that absolutely no one would tell stede the truth. it's that no matter how much ed hurt them, no matter what ed did, no matter what the crew felt like they had to do in the end, they never once wanted to tell stede any of it. it's that izzy lied again and again and again to stede's face, not to be malicious, but to protect him from the truth.
it's that no matter what happened, they all recognized that to tell stede the truth would be to break his heart even further, and they couldn't stand to hurt him. because they watched that same hurt destroy ed. because they couldn't let the hope go out of stede's eyes the way it drained out of ed's.
#it's the way lucius had to tell stede out of anger but he escaped the very worst of the storm#it's the way they all handled stede so gently. the way izzy wanted stede to say something. say anything at all.#they saw the fragile hope and heartbreak and guilt in stede and they could've been cruel bc ed was cruel to them#but instead they chose to collectively try to protect stede from the truth. but it was a truth that stede already knew#stede !!!! already !!!!! knew !!!!!!#burn the world down or die with it. stede already knew.#i'm so broken actually#ofmd spoilers#our flag means death#stede bonnet#.#katie talks
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Paperhatober Day 5: Redraw
old version Nov 2022:
#it's undeniably better#but...#first of all I didn't even redraw Black Hat's face bc I actually regressed at drawing him. so why fix smth that ain't broken#the original was just so cute and perfect so I simply cleaned it#but overall I mean-#it's cleaner... the colors are more fun...#it's more dynamic... but I will always mourn that I lost quite a bit of the softness.#villainous#villanos#vilanesco#dr flug#flug#kenning flugslys#black hat#villainous flug#villainous black hat#paperhat#redraw#paperhatober#cartoon#fanart#my art#I'm not back quite yet#I'm stuck in 1995 y'all the wifi has left us
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Hello may 31th anon! Look at that, another year behind us and a new one to come. Have a nice day! ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡
#may 31th anon#hello friends!! (。’▽’。)♡ how are you!! I missed you so much!#I'm sorry that once again i have not been posting but I did that thing again where I got scared of posting#I do not know why but it is the same with physical paper diarys#I have 3 diarys and they all have 1 entry#I think one just says 'I am ten'#what have you been up to!! did you do something fun? is it summer too where you live? c:#my tumblr messages seem to be broken! I'm sorry if you wrote something :C it just says 'no new messages' despite also saying new messages#not a lot has happened here! I got a tomato plant and then I got very invested into the tomato plant and I have eaten three tomatos so far (#my roses are also doing well!! I just got a new yellow rose and since she got here she only made orange flowers#I do not know the meaning of that#but I am very thankful! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡ I love it when things are orange!!#I've been trying to buy an orange shirt for the past 2 weeks but they always sell out before I get to them#I'm also thinking about buying a jean jacket#I have not worn a jean jacket for at least 15 years because one time in 7th grade tthe girl behind me said#that I was wearing a cool jean jacket and I just assumed that this was bullying for no actual reason#but maybe she just thought that it was an acutal cool jean jacket#we'll soon have out 10 year school reunion#maybe I should ask her#is anyone else going to a secret Sherlock phase again#I just want to see that silly little hat again#would sherlock holmes wear a jean jacket#have a nice day everyone!!#see you soon hopefully!!#♡^▽^♡
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steer clear of ....the illigitimate child of... nvm
#skyrim#oc#nelavis#my art#the OC art i make spanning across seasons just cus i wait for it to pile up and then not draw anything LMFAO#if u remove 1 letter and switch move one his name is literally n*lvas so i'm thinking in another universe he's their child#and it fits!#n*loth would impregnate t*lvas just to see what happens (❓❓) and then throw the child out#t*lvas is really heartbroken but nothing comes before his education. but he visits him sometimes#that's why nelavis can read and write and do a lot of things#nelavis will tell you sob stories of his broken family and how his mom is always being abused by his dad with a big smile -#- over at his house during tea and cracker hour#while you're confused about the weird smell coming from the basement#that's not canon though#anyways enuff of that.. maybe i'll post more OCs in the future maybe not; i actually think about them quite a lot lol..#i'm Shy
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yippee!! got permission from @tai-janai to doodle what i think heroic tower might look like since she's been living in my mind rent free. in the same way base tower is the most divine of the vessels, i imagine heroic tower might be the most heroic of the heroines? so naturally, knight centaur! protector of the forest! big beautiful woman who will run at you vv fast parry this you filthy casual etc etc
also bonus spectre bullying doodle
#this is NOT heroic tower propaganda btw im not voting for her next loop lmao#but oooo im so so so so excited to see her actual design and compare#really hoping im super off cos it'll be funny (+ more of a surprise!)#and oughhh i'm so excited for her route im kicking my legs thinking abt it#hunted broken's sheer existence implies the need to dodge her which leads me to believe we'll fight again#but tai also said smth that implies he might love her...?#would it be like the end of the den route where the voices realize she's also suffering? or is it a begrudging admiration for her?#is he a tsundere????? is that it????#putting them in a snowglobe and shaking them. god forbid what'll happen when i finally get to see them. the world will explode likely#♡. scribbles#the tower#slay the heroine
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#madison almost crying broke my heart#and i felt like it was a permanent thing his death before but this is really really permanent#so i'm broken hearted all over again#outer banks#jiara#jj x kiara#kiara x jj#jj maybank#kiara carrera#what could have been#season 4 you fumbled so hard#rudy pankow#madison bailey#im not crying you are#sobbing actually
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teen wolf meme: [3/6] creatures -> kitsune
There are thirteen kinds of Kitsune: celestial, wild, ocean, thunder... But there is one, a dark Kitsune. They call it void, or Nogitsune.
#teen wolf#kitsune#kira yukimura#nogitsune#noshiko yukimura#twedit#twgifs#mine#my gifs#twmeme#kitsune my beloveds#we should have gotten more of noshiko#actually they should have just treated all the yukimuras better#kira's tail should have had more impact on the story#i know noshiko only had like 13 tails or smth after being alive for 900 years so it wouldn't make sense for kira to get another one#during the run of the show BUT what they did do with her tail like her father using it to bring her back in season 5 had so much potential#they should have done more with it is all i want honestly#i'm gonna sound like a broken record for all these creature ones but the kitsune are soooo cool within the show#would have been great if they didn't use japanese imagery like that tho#not even gonna touch on how the movie messed up so much of the mythology and changed stuff i'll get angry#just know i love them
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I wonder if Jedediah and octavius ever celebrated the 4th of July together? (also your leftover veggie dish looks like it would make Gordon Ramsay cry with joy :) )
They probably, most definitely did celebrate together I think
Featuring my failed attempt at drawing fireworks 🎆
If Gordon Ramsey were to see that dish he'd cry in general I think, given the fact that I forgot to put enough salt :')
#you're lucky I'm still home to draw that#I'm leaving tomorrow morning. sad but true. I can still draw stuff I'll just be lacking my usual inventory of a billion art supplies#ok a little context gor the food. I didn't exactly forget the salt. it's just that usually I put soy sauce which is pretty salty itself#but this time i didn't have any. so the balance in spices was broken. I don't know who cares about that but whatever#ask#anonymous#answered#night at the museum#natm#natm octavius#natm jedediah#octavius#gaius octavius#jedediah smith#jedediah#jedediah and octavius#jedtavius#art#fanart#traditional art#4th of july#july 4th#fourth of july#I guess#you should have sent me that ask earlier actually. we missed the actual date but whatever. time is an illusion anyway
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they say the captain goes down with the ship...
#fobedit#patrick stump#fall out boy#fob#what a catch donnie#anni edits#i'm literally so obsessed with sad beautiful sea captain patrick god#he looks so gorgeous and sad and beautiful in this video in his little outfits#my fav sad boat man... beautiful don't cry you're the most gorgeous creature on all of earth#god why does this vid make me so emosh actually. the seagull he tenderly nurses back to health#is pete the sad seagull w the broken wing that patrick patches up#and laughs with and has to let go?? anyway god idk stan what a catch video
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#the broken hearts gallery#dacre montgomery#movie gifs#( * mine )#dacremontgomeryedit#okay why tf do these look like he's being interviewed for like a blind date service#you guys know the ones i'm thinking of - like through matchmaker services#something something that panic in the second gif would be like modern!billy getting hit with a surprise mid-interview#'so... we actually have something to admit. we kind of already know some things about you.' him in the third gif: 'why????'#them: 'well we've been in touch with your sister max... who tells us that you adopted her when you were seventeen and she was thirteen?!'#him: 'it's actually because of her that i'm even signing up. so i'm obviously in my twenties now and uh. i dunno. i've had bad luck lately!#ok i'm gonna stop writing a damn fic in these tags <3 here everyone enjoy these
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Celebrating 200 text posts and 200 followers! 🎉
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] 🎊 17 🎊 [18] [19]
#I actually reached 202 textposts when making this specific compilation. I'm also a little over 200 followers now so thank you all!! ❤️#I know I sound like a broken record but I wish I had more time to be on here :'] I get about a month long break during August though!#disney lab rats#lab rats#lab rats bionic island#leo dooley#adam davenport#bree davenport#chase davenport#spike davenport#lab rats spike#douglas davenport#daniel davenport#sebastian krane#victor krane#terry perry#lab rats eddy#donald davenport
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Shoutout to a bunch of voices crushing on the Razor
Voice of the Broken: She doesn't want us. Voice of the Contrarian: You're just saying that because you want her to be into you. Voice of the Broken: I know. I thought I was being obvious.
Voice of the Paranoid: Maybe it'll work! Maybe it'll throw her off. I know I'd be thrown off if she started flirting with us. Voice of the Contrarian: Yeah, because you'd be into it. Voice of the Paranoid: No comment.
Voice of the Stubborn: I'm into it. Voice of the Cheated: I can't say I mind either. If it weren't for all the cheating, I'd say she's pretty cute.
Bonus:
Hero doesn't know if he's into the Razor
#slay the princess#the razor#shifting quiet#broken paranoid stubborn cheated contrarian and smitten: I like the kind of woman who can actually just kill me#hey look! I did a thing#i'm sorry this is so funny#six of them!#hunted explicity doesn't want to flirt with her#opportunist cold and skeptic can't show up here#I didn't give smitten's line because everyone knows about him#got these quotes from tvtropes by the way#also love contra being the one to nudge his buddies and go like “you liiiikkke her don't you?”
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Genshin doesn't talk about this friendship enough
#when the love of your life dies and it traumatizes you#so you avenge his death then start persuing an immortal man#Beidou is just me#loving ningguang#cause I love her#scribbles#it just occurred to me yesterday how dangerous these two are they're both the suave-ass gays that could talk their way out of death#AND they're friends#breaking hearts through out all of genshin impact world#broken hearts in every nation#death of a bachelor plays when they both break to news to each other they actually might like-like someone#when you're both outlanders and whores and gay#a triple threat#on me#i'm the one that feels threatened#ningguang#beidou#beigguang#kazuscara#kaedehara kazuha#genshin impact
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Do you conlang? I was wondering if you had naming languages (or possibly even more developed ones) for pulling the words you use. I tried to search your blog but didn't find anything, wouldn't be surprised if the feature is just busted tho. Your worldbuilding is wonderful and I particularly enjoy the anthropological and linguistic elements.
Ok the thing is I had kind of decided I was not going to do any conlanging because I don't feel like I'm equipped to do a good job of it, like was fully like "I'm just going to do JUST enough that it doesn't fail an immediate sniff test and is more thoughtful than just keysmashing and putting in vowels". And then have kinda been conlanging anyway (though not to a very deep and serious extent. I maybe have like....an above average comprehension of how language construction works via willingness to research, but that's not saying much, also I can never remember the meanings of most linguistic terms like 'frictives' or etc off the top of my head. I'm just kinda raw dogging it with a vague conceptualization of what these things mean)
I do at least have a naming language for Wardi (and more basic rules for other established languages) but the rudimentary forms of it were devised with methods much shakier and less linguistically viable than even the most basic naming language schemes, and I only went back over it LONG after I had already made a bunch of words so there's some inconsistencies with consonant presence and usage. (This can at least be justified because it IS a language that would have a lot of loanwords and would be heavily influenced by other language groups- Burri being by far the most significant, Highland-Finnic and Yuroma-Lowlands also being large contributors)
The 'method' I used was:
-Skip basic construction elements and fully move into devising necessary name words, with at least a Vibe of what consonants are going to be common and how pronunciation works -Identify some roots out of the established words and their meanings. Establish an ongoing glossary of known roots/words. -Construct new words based in root words, or as obvious extensions/variants of established words. -Get really involved in how the literal meanings of some words might not translate properly to english, mostly use this to produce a glossary of in-universe slang. -Realize that I probably should have at least some very basic internal consistency at this point. -Google search tutorials on writing a naming language. -Reverse engineer a naming language out of established words, and ascribe all remaining inconsistencies to being loanwords or just the mysteries of life or whatever.
I do at least have some strongly established pronunciation rules and a sense of broad regional dialect/accents.
-'ai' words are almost always pronounced with a long 'aye' sound.
-There is no 'Z' or 'X' sound, a Wardi speaker pronouncing 'zebra' would go for 'tsee-brah', and would attempt 'xylophone' as 'ssye-lohp-hon'
-'V' sounds are nearly absent and occur only in loanwords, and tend to be pronounced with a 'W' sound. 'Virsum' is a Highland word (pronounced 'veer-soom') denoting ancestry, a Wardi speaker would go 'weer-sum'.
-'Ch' spellings almost always imply a soft 'chuh' sound when appearing after an E, I, or O (pelatoche= pel-ah-toh-chey), but a hard 'kh' sound after an A or U (odomache= oh-doh-mah-khe). When at the start of a word, it's usually a soft 'ch' unless followed by an 'i' sound (chin (dog) is pronounced with a hard K 'khiin', cholem (salt) is pronounced with a soft Ch 'cho-lehm')
-Western Wardin has strong Burri cultural and linguistic influence, and a distinct accent- one of the most pronounced differences is use of the ñ sound in 'nn' words. The western city of Ephennos is pronounced 'ey-fey-nyos' by most residents, the southeastern city of Erubinnos is pronounced 'eh-roo-been-nos' by most residents. Palo's surname 'Apolynnon' is pronounced 'A-puh-lee-nyon' in the Burri and western Wardi dialects (which is the 'proper' pronunciation, given that it's a Kos name), but will generally be spoken as 'Ah-poh-leen-non' in the south and east.
-R's are rolled in Highland-Finnic words. Rolling R's is common in far northern rural Wardi dialects but no others. Most urban Wardi speakers consider rolling R's sort of a hick thing, and often think it sounds stupid or at least uneducated. (Brakul's name should be pronounced with a brief rolled 'r', short 'ah' and long 'uul', but is generally being pronounced by his south-southeastern compatriots with a long unrolled 'Brah' sound).
Anyway not really a sturdy construction that will hold up to the scrutiny of someone well equipped for linguistics but not pure bullshit either.
#I actually did just make a post about this on my sideblog LOL I think in spite of my deciding not to conlang this is going to go full#full conlanging at some point#The main issue is that the narrative/dialogue is being written as an english 'translation' (IE the characters are speaking in their actual#tongues and it's being translated to english with accurate meaning but non-literal treatment)#Which you might say like 'Uh Yeah No Shit' but I think approaching it with that mindset at the forefront does have a different effect than#just fully writing in english. Like there's some mindfulness to what they actually might be saying and what literal meanings should be#retained to form a better understanding of the culture and what should be 'translated' non-literally but with accurate meaning#(And what should be not translated at all)#But yeah there's very little motivation for conlanging besides Pure Fun because VERY few Wardi words beyond animal/people/place names#will make it into the actual text. Like the only things I leave 'untranslated' are very key or untranslatable concepts that will be#better understood through implication than attempts to convey the meaning in english#Like the epithet 'ganmachen' is used to compliment positive traits associated with the ox zodiac sign or affectionately tease#negative ones. This idea can be established pretty naturally without exposition dumps because the zodiac signs are of cultural#importance and will come up frequently. The meaning can get across to the reader pretty well if properly set up.#So like leaving it as 'ganmachen' you can get 'oh this is an affectionate reference to an auspicious zodiac sign' but translating#it as the actual meaning of 'ox-faced' is inevitably going to come across as 'you look like a cow' regardless of any zodiac angle#^(pretty much retyped tags from other post)#Another aspect is there's a few characters that have Wardi as a second language and some of whom don't have a solid grasp on it#And I want to convey this in dialogue (which is being written in english) but I don't want it to just be like. Random '''broken''' english#like I want there to be an internal consistency to what parts of the language they have difficulties with (which then has implications for#how each language's grammar/conjugation/etc works). Like Brakul is fairly fluent in Wardi at the time of the story but still struggles#with some of the conjugation (which is inflectional in Wardi) especially future/preterite tense. So he'll sometimes just use the#verb unconjugated or inappropriately in present tense. Though this doesn't come across as starkly in text because it's#written in english. Like his future tense Wardi is depicted as like 'I am to talk with him later' instead of 'I'll talk with him later'#Which sounds unnatural but not like fully incorrect#But it would sound much more Off in Wardi. Spanish might be a better example like it would be like him approaching it with#'Voy a hablar con él más tarde' or maybe 'Hablo con él más tarde' instead of 'Hablaré con él más tarde'#(I THINK. I'm not a fluent spanish speaker sorry if the latter has anything wrong with it too)
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friendships as marital ties (and other notes on relational ties) in mlc
this is sort of a third installment in the series of meta on 'mlc as an exemplar of constructing queer narratives out of chinese ideological frameworks' (1. jianghu as queer space and 2. how it manifests in li xiangyi) - focusing on the nature of relationships in it. (which I've briefly mentioned in the first one and finally actually getting to it!!)
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I would like to first call attention to chinese ideological frameworks as a premise of queer reading in mlc. the goal of chinese philosophy is to explore the becoming of human, taking two broad paths of the (mainstream) secular vs. escaping the secular. (these two paths are not a strict dichotomy, and rather, are ever in flux and in conversation with each other.) as said by @markiafc too, chineseness is so much about the rigidity of structures, and in equal part, a desire to break out of them. thus, chinese ideological frameworks can very much offer a rich reading of queerness - that mlc, a story very deliberately structured based on chinese ideologies (more accurately, with good reasons for me to believe that it is as such), has managed to materialise.
if the conceptualisation of queerness is premised on a defiance against mainstream norms, then a reliable way to read queerness in chinese ideological frameworks can be to deconstruct it by the mainstream confucian frameworks.
in mlc, this is implicitly set up with its stage of wulin/martial jianghu. then it is further broken down by asking, hey wulin jianghu is still closely related to the hegemonic values and the mainstream structure of authority (historically, 侠 xia being politically involved says a lot about this), so what is the true meaning of jianghu? what does it then really take for jianghu to be a queer space offering comfort and freedom to those who have escaped to it - to be the space that allow the transcendence of rigid roles and labels? mlc took a step further to resist the proxy to mainstream values that wulin jianghu has become.
this is why there can be a very strong buddhism reading of mlc (suggested here, expounded in the A+++ meta by @markiafc here and here, and also what I've seen discussed by cnet as well), given that buddhism is one of the 'extra-secular' ideologies, alongside (philosophical) taoism. I've also touched on a taoist angle in this meta. both schools are articulated in different sets of languages, but ultimately convey a same ideal of what it means to be human and how to live well - that is, to resist the roles and labels defined by the norms.
so, back to confucian frameworks.
a lot can be discussed about mlc with it. but in the context of this meta about relationships in mlc, it's specifically drawing on how confucianism conceptualises social relationships with familial ties as a cornerstone, and how these relational ties are inextricable from the conceptualisation of the 'self'.
as such, one of the things about mlc that has fascinated me is how deliberately it seems to ignore and reject the conventional familial ties (the kind by blood and marital ties). I've joked about how it is a miracle for me to love mlc as much as I do, as a prime dysfunctional family story enjoyer, despite none of its main characters struggling with any complicated feelings about their (biological) parents. but on closer examination, mlc is also making a comment on the model of familial-based relationships that dominates mainstream society - but through the absence of it.
with this, I want to talk about 1) how mlc rejects the conventional ties; and then 2) how it repurposes these ties in its own ways.
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the five relational ties in confucianism:
father and son 父子有亲 - (natural) affection between father and son
ruler and subject 君臣有义 - righteous relationship between ruler and subject
older and younger brothers 兄弟 (长幼有序) - this is actually about seniority within the family; the order between older vs younger family members
husband and wife 夫妇有别 - differentiation between husband and wife (demarcated by the 内外 spectrum of gendered inner-external spheres)
friends 朋友有信 - trust between friends
logically inferred, all these ties are hierarchical and familial-based except for the last one: friends. ruler-subject is sort of an extension of the natural familial ties, while friendship is the inverse space of 1-4 (ie. you fall back on 5 to define a social relationship outside of the familial sphere that cannot be qualified as 1-4). while all are premised on mutuality, it is only no. 5 that is defined by a sense of choice and equality.
on the surface, 1-4 don't quite exist in mlc in particularly meaningful ways to the narrative or are even outright overlooked, and friendship is the relational tie most valued by mlc. we can tell it's true just by looking at the most meaningful relationships in mlc of difanghua. but at the same time, it is more nuanced. we can take a closer look at how the story plays around with most of the ties as part of a broader queer narrative.
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1) how mlc rejects the conventional ties
mlc's rejection of mainstream relational ties can be best seen in fdb escaping from marriage. and it was not just any engagement with anybody but an engagement with the imperial family. he struggles with the prospect of being married to princess zhaoling, but generally, it's about the idea of complying to mainstream conventions and expectations that includes compulsory heterosexuality. all these point not only to a defiance against amatonormativity - the resistance of the traditional husband-wife tie, but also an irreverence for the ties of ruler-subject (the engagement being an imperial decree) and father-son (matters of marriage being sole decisions made by parents).
of course this is on top of how fdb's own biological father is a p-o-s, and the narrative gives fdb minimal struggles in this aspect, allowing him to sever this tie without looking back (I love it, yeap). along the same line is how lxy is an orphan, who came to gain important relationships that are built on natural compassion among people rather than innate, blood-based ties - even as llh. the sense of defiance from the narrative is especially stark to me considering that he could have a completely different familial-based life - as a son, brother, and ruler, if his biological family was still around. the narrative also deliberately treats his biological brother as a phantom, replaced with an older brother who he was bonded with neither by blood nor marital ties. on dfs's front, absolutely nothing is to be known about his biological family. his childhood history with the toxic patriarch of his life - who is not even his biological father - was afforded a clean break and closure.
we can keep going on, but that's pretty much the point.
ritualisation is one of the most important things of the confucianism school, especially to the honoring of these social relationships (and the officiating of social roles). the one ceremony/ritual we saw in mlc involving the main characters - or more accurately speaking, came closest to seeing - was the imminent wedding ceremony of dfs and jlq. even in that case, it was premised on non-mutuality with dfs being the unwilling, passive party. (fem-coded dfs? 25 marks.)
and that brings us to the next part.
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2) how mlc repurposes these ties
that particular wedding ceremony gets hijacked by dfs and lxy/llh, and gets turned into an important milestone in their relationship. they consummate - what is on text - their friendship after a long time being more enemies and rivals than friends. it is a clear establishment of the trust they have for each other. and here it is where I circle back to the subject of this post: friendships as marital ties.
in this article, as a part of a feminist, egalitarian reframing of confucianism, there is a proposal for spousal relationships to be reframed as a friendship tie. (this aligns with the interrelatedness of the five ties eg. the ruler-subject mirrors father-son dynamic, with the confucian belief that rulers have an obligation to their subjects alike parents to their own children.) by doing so, it removes the functional, gendered differentiation assigned to marital ties, and shifts it to something equal, and independent of gender. you exalt the value of trust between spouses, instead of basing marital relationships on gendered roles. as such, spouses become more like friends, and conversely, friends can also become more like spouses. (romance not a prerequisite. it has never been about romance anyway.)
given that mlc has repeatedly applied marital motifs to llh and dfs's characters in their joint narratives, this opens up a reading friendships as a marital tie. seeing marriage as a bridge for strangers to become family, marriage in mlc becomes a metaphor for the chosen commitment and mutual trust put in by strangers/friends (non-familial ties) into the becoming of family. the blurring of lines between marital ties and friendship encourages a genuine space of queer experience that goes beyond any pressure for strict labels - of sexuality, and relationships as romantic, sexual, etc etc.
(note: despite the borrowing of a feminist concept, I strongly hesitate to call mlc a feminist story. it's a whole discussion - or debate - on its own. nevertheless, it is definitely a gender-conscious story that lays foundation for a strong queer and egalitarian reading.)
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it is to be noted that it is intended - and also beneficial to take the confucian framework of relational ties beyond face value. the framework offers what it believed to be the most fundamental social relationship dynamics, and sees room for extension and matching to other kinds of relationships (all if not, most). a relationship such as teacher-student, which is outside of the five ties stated, can also mirror the affection of father-son ties, albeit not in a literal and identical way.
speaking of which. fdb and lxy/llh.
indeed they're known by others to be good friends. fdb thinks they're good friends too - insists on it, and puts his best efforts in keeping it that way. but does it really go both ways? if it does not, then can it really still be friendship? my humble take is that, ultimately - weighing in with llh's perspective - this is a relationship that is not so much based on trust, and rather, based on an innate affection that is only unique to family. (in this case, not blood/marital-based but one that was chosen and built aka lxy's relationship with sgd.) in other words, less of a friendship, more of a familial one.
it is a lot clearer considering their relationship from llh's point of view: some brat you never wanted in your life came barging in, and whether he was going to bring any positive effect to your life was secondary to the tranquility - which you have carved for yourself in the past decade - that is so integral to your personhood. no way. but the moment you hear that he's family? well, that changes the game completely. even before learning about fdb being sgd's son (then beginning to take initiative in showing greater acceptance), it is apparent in llh that there was an instinctive resonance with fdb as his shixiong's nephew. (eg. he remarked to his shifu's grave about how alike fdb is to himself.) this is unlike with dfs whom he had taken a much longer time to build trust with. you do not apply trust - aka the quality of friendships - to family. family is something deeper, more instinctive than that. if fdb was never family, I find it hard to imagine given llh's personality, that he would have let some brazen, bratty stranger intrude for that long. (boy invited himself to llh's home, sat himself down eating the owner's dinner and nosing in his cooking abilities!!! ily bb but that was uncalled for 😭)
of course there are many more layers in their relationship. there is a substantial degree of their history as (unwitting) teacher-disciple: fdb is still healthy and alive all thanks to the existence of lxy as a spiritual teacher role model in his life, regardless it being one-sided or not. there is also indeed some part of friendship in it, especially from fdb's point of view. he sees llh as a kindred spirit who he could enjoy a life of freedom with for life. but llh never reciprocates. he knew this was short-lived. and so ultimately, the hierarchical layer of their relationship overpowers the equal one, where llh's treatment of fdb as a nephew/小辈 younger family member and a disciple is the one that sealed the fate of their relationship.
if (blood-based) familial ties are irrelevant in jianghu, then the closest proxy to a father-son relationship in the martial world would be a teacher-disciple relationship. lxy and his shifu are a clear, indisputable example. for fdb and llh, their teacher-disciple tie is murkier and not consistently applied. they were also never ritualised as teacher-disciple, and thus are not teacher-disciple in any official capacity as far as confucian ideas are concerned. yet in crucial moments, it is invoked by llh as a card of authority over fdb to get out of sticky situations with fdb. and there was their final scene together: in a moment of sincerity, llh gives the approval to fdb as his disciple - then entrusting fdb with the secret manual of his techniques, up until his final letter in which fdb was recommended to dfs as a successor to his martial abilities.
in an imperial setting, this would have been the relationship of an emperor and his crown prince that straddles both ruler-subject and father-son ties aka a tag-team of disaster. the teacher has an obligation to nurture his disciple as a successor to himself, and love him like a son too. on the flipside, he holds the final power in their relationship - withholding knowledge and feelings from the younger one. they are only equals in a way a parent-child can be. they are only equals as much as the parent allows. and this is how fdb got left behind in the dust of llh's departure. he was the child treating his parent like a friend, supporting him emotionally and begging to be loved back the same way he loves his parent - but the parent had a lifetime way ahead of him and stayed out of his reach, physically and emotionally.
llh and fdb operate with the trapping of a friendship but have always been family in the core. llh had known that way before fdb did, just like everything else he had known and put out of fdb's reach. because. fdb did not have to know. fdb is different and will forge his own path. and that's a kind of love llh has for him that nobody understands (in fact not even fdb himself) - one that is on a different plane from friendships.
by repurposing the framework of relational ties, mlc showed that the essence of familial relationships aka its intimacy and closeness can be independent from biology and formalised rituals. and it is important to myself for stories to say that people can build close ties and deeply meaningful relationships even without being born or ritualised into any.
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then back to how these relational ties are inextricable from the conceptualisation of the 'self' in confucian worldview: the roles you play in these relationships are intended to define you. there is no 'self' independent from it. while the concept of a social, relational self is fully rooted in reality, being locked into social roles can be a painful way to live - a way that llh has experienced as lxy the sigu sect leader. so, in order for lxy/llh to realise a sense of self that exists outside the norms, it inevitably points to another way that requires a cut from these relationships. that is then the buddhist (or taoist) answer of looking past attachments to the world such as the confucian idea of relationships defining your being. only with a dissolution of a sense of 'self', can there be true liberation.
#莲花楼#mysterious lotus casebook#lhlmeta#lhl#my posts#dihua#can't believe this is how i choose to spend an inordinate amt of my free time 😐😐 being a broken recorder of brainrot 😐#anw the handful of fanghua moments that have moved me are the ones that are about the unbridgeable gap between them as 长辈小辈 as 徒弟师父#(me realising lxy telling fdb 这个徒弟我没有白收 actually drives me nuts)#me: a brainrot-level dihua shipper first and foremost. also me: dedicating more of this meta to fanghua than dihua#about how fanghua's relationship is its own unique kind in the story. equally deep as dihua. just in a wholly different way.#dihua are friends and married and familial. but fanghua is family through and through#-> tl;dr of this meta actually#i just have extremely strong feelings about fanghua as a complicated little family unit.#which is independent of “shipping” FOR ME. but for anyone else though you can make anything out of it.#(gotta admit i'm a bit antsy about posting this and is uncertain how it's gonna be read. bc my reading of fanghua is so specific...well)#anyways. obsessed with dihua appropriating the heteronormative rituals <3#edit: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT DIFANG aaaAAAGHHHHHHHHHH#but. it's true they're very purely friendship-based i think
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I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I need but I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow
#kinda… down#feeling sort of broken#and I appreciate all the help#but I feel ignored sometimes like my problems are boring#it’s be nice if someone wanted to help me fix them#it’s just my brain being fucked I know#because I sound so ungrateful and shitty and horrible#horrible enough that it’s like?? I don’t deserve nice things!!#but sometimes I say I’m sad and I get a pity like and told it’s ok#I say I feel lonely and unliked and people say ‘aw’#others might get a long discussion or an outpouring of ‘I like you!!’#and i think I’m just missing out on that because I can’t make connections deep enough#also I’m needy and confused and never really feel like I’m anything to anyone#and that people don’t actually like me#and that me constantly feeling like this makes them like me even less?#but I can’t help it :(#and I wish I knew how to not feel like that and be normal#I think I’m gonna take a little break because I’m in a really deep hole#i'm sorry im like this#and I’m a little bit afraid for myself#finnie shouts into the void
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